SINFUL WONDERLAND Gone away...is the green weed Here to stay...is the mean weed (if there's a better rhyme-go for it!) We'll light up a bowl and pass it around Walking in a Sinful Wonderland If you dig...ecstasy-y Then come hang..out with me-e We'll roll in the snow I'll give you a blow Walking in a Sinful Wonderland In the meadow we will meet a dealer With coke and hash and all your favorite drugs Then we'll go and pop a couple speeders And hang around like a bunch of thugs Later on, we'll get higher As we (coke-sniffing sound) By the fire And then you'll get laid You won't have to pay Walking in a Sinful Wonderland HARK SATANIC SANTAS Hark Satanic Santas sing Sing about the naughty things Piece of ass, wicked and wild Come and touch me evil child Joyful all ye demons rise Terrorize the Christian skies With blasphemous hosts proclaim Glory to the Devil's reign With blasphemous hosts proclaim Glory to the Devil's reign OH HORNY NIGHT by Babushka Oh horn-y night the bars are brightly shi-ning It is the night...that we all...get a piece Long lay we all Alone and masturba-ting Until we cheered Debauchery that set us free. The thrill of the hunt The naughty santas play-y We sa-tis-fy our urges this fine day-y Fall...on your knees And blow...me straight to hea-ven Oh ni-ight divine Oh-h night we got it on Oh night...divine Oh-h night Oh horny night Even more santa songs		How the Feds Stole Christmas The American people liked Christmas a lot -- But the Federal Government clearly did NOT! The feds hated Christmas! They did -- every one! They hated the chaos, the crowds and the fun. "It's wartime!" they cried. "We have to be wary. The prospect of Christmas is simply too scary." (For they saw in the season's delightful excesses The makings of untold security messes.) "Those tourists will come to D.C. on their jaunts And want to see all of our usual haunts. They'll fly in from places like Flint or Peru And expect to see Congress, the Archives, the Zoo. "But how to distinguish, amid all the revels, The innocent tourists from terrorist devils? We've got to be hard-nosed -- too bad if they frown! We've got to take action to lock up the town!" So those Grinches did issue an edict to close All tours of the White House to regular Joes. "No visits allowed -- not sooner, not later -- For you never know who is part of al Qaeda." This order, however, was only the latest Of numerous acts to defeat those who hate us. For one Grinch named Ashcroft already had taken Draconian steps that left liberals shaken. "It's crucial," said he, "to adopt zealous measures In order to safeguard our national treasures." So he'd rounded up suspects -- and not just a few: If your face fit his profile, well, boo-hoo for you. But that wasn't all; no, these Grinches had more. For they saw in this issue a wide-open door. Why, they even made plans, in their fright and their fury, To try certain people without any jury! And so, under pretext of just being cautious, They did things the Founders would surely find nauseous. "We've done it," they crooned, "We've killed off their spirit. They once loved their freedom, but now they all fear it!" "Yes, Christmas is spoiled, and Hanukkah, too. But with things as they are, who will dare to say boo? For when people are scared, they seize any solution, Despite all their laws and their old Constitution." But we know the rest; sure, we've all read our Seuss. We know that our people won't brook such abuse. We know they'll give voice to their freedom of speech And cry out their demand: equal justice for each. And the Grinches, of course, will take heed and reform. Their cold little hearts will grow ample and warm. For that's how it works in a holiday tale: The world's finer nature will always prevail. Ah -- But there we'd be wrong, for in this case, alas, The heartwarming ending may not come to pass. The American people, it seems, quite approve! The polls show support for each Grinch-worthy move. So the Grinches have triumphed! The '50s are back! And here's what we've learned from this terror attack: That life is no kid's book with uplifting plot; Our freedoms are precious -- except when they're not.